Twilight Labyrinth

i don’t believe in this.  but mostly, i believe that most of the things are just a matter of mindset. a matter of outlook.

you’re happy because you choose to be happy.  despite all you problems, sorrows, and greivances.

i believe that people with a healthy and positive outlook in life are happier. and more capable of achieving their goals and dreams.  they are more likely to succeed.

however being happy does not make you blind to the things happening to yourself and around you.

i am happy.

but i’m not sure i am where ideally i would want to be.  there are certain factors to consider.  basically it’s a crisis, career-wise.  no, i’m not a failure in my profession.  i’m not the greatest either.  i do believe though, that i can do better… perhaps somewhere else.

the quarter life crisis? i wouldn’t know.  what i do know though is that there are a lot of things i want to do.  however there are a lot of factors that prevent me from doing them.  my job is ok.  it pays the bills, i get by.

deep inside, however, i think i am searching for a higher purpose in life.  something i cannot quite put my finger on just yet.  yes, there are a lot of opportunities out there for me.  with way better pa, mind you.  but there’s this something that keeps on holding me back that i cannot seem to bring myself to turn in that resignation letter. 

seriously. i have nothing to lose.

but there’s this something that’s holding me back. and i don’t know what it is. fear perhaps? of what?

but i gotta find out soon.  i do want to take a stand and make a choice.  it’s gotta be this job or something else. gotta make a move before it’s a bit too late.  lest i once again stay here until another one of these ‘moments’ pop up again.

QUE LIO!

ever been so drained that your brain actually ceased to function?

yesterday was a very busy day. started my day super early and had my first solid food intake at 730. the world was already literally spinning at that point and everything was in slow motion.  i couldn’t conjure coherent thoughts. and my small talk always ended up in unfinished sentences, and i couldn’t even remember what i was talking about.

that’s sabaw.

i ordered fish and didn’t eat half of it. at that point i thought, i probably need beer na. but i put it off til we got to kaye’s party.  true enough, after a few gulps, it sobered me up. 

i was already feeling better and off we went to libis.  it was vodka time.  got the vip room upstairs and had our own little party there.  clean fun and a whole lot of vodka and chicharong bulaklak. and our little photoshoot.

i’ll upload the pics next time.

in the mean time, i’m my sabaw self again.  perhaps tonight i’ll sober up.

so… yesterday, i woke up and it was just an ordinary day.  greeted my parents and my sister before i left for work.  replied to some friends who texted in their greetings.  that was just about it.  nothing felt special and i didn’t feel special at all.

not til i got to my branch.

a huge arrangement of three dozen long stemmed red roses were waiting for me at my table.  they were so absolutely gorgeous and stunning.

i was awestruck.

my knees literally gave and i had to sit for a while and digest what i had just beheld.  after recovering for the momentary shock, it crossed my mind that it probably wasn’t mine.  you see, i wasn’t really expecting anything like that. from anyone.

so i checked the arrangement for a card or any indication of who it was for, and i asked my operations people who it belonged to.  they said it was mine. and the delivery guys were there first thing in the morning.

still total blank.

anyway, i was so loving the roses. 

fast forward to lunch, i met up with a former colleague who’s back from abroad.  there was so much catching up to do.  so there i was, telling her about the grueling past 5 or 6 months for me.  she can so relate.  let’s put it this way, 2 years ago, there was a similar situation she went through.  same asshole, similar issue, just a different scenario.

what a prick! major loser!

of course she was so totally mad and so ready to give that asswipe a piece of her mind and a dose of his own medicine.  and probably a slap or two in the face.  same goes for the ‘cohort.’

while walking, i saw this little black sexy gorgeous dress.  i tried it on and it fit so well. great! swipe.

on to dinner.  it was actually a singles thing.  that sort of looked like a double date.  poor guy friends of ours were so affected that they didn’t have dates.  funny, no?  both of us girl really didn’t mind.  so, just to uplift their spirits, we agreed to a dinner thing.  on the condition that they pick up the tab.  well done.

what was different that night was that instead of the usual beer and pulutan, we really had the works.  and wine.  we completed the whole thing to dessert and coffee as we waited to ’salubong’ myron’s birthday.

well, to sum up the day, i’d say it was an ordinary day with extra-ordinary moments.
this is definitely one for the books.

would you still
kiss my lips
when we grow old?
wrap your arms around me
as the nights get cold?

would you still
tuck me in
before we sleep?
wipe my tears
when i weep?

would you still
comfort me
and hold me tight?
when things go bump
in the middle of the night?

woud you still
take my hand
as we walk by the shore?
see me as i am
the way you did before?

would you still
listen to me
when i have something to say?
or share your thoughts
at the end of the day?

and when we’re all wrinkled
and our bones get brittle
and we can no longer dance
would you still love me?
do we have that chance?

oh my God.  this is actually the first time i did this. surreal.

i had to go to the mall to buy some stuff.  tonight my mom decided to tag along. after all the shopping, my sister requested that we buy her a salad.  we decided to just get one from Friday’s.

while waiting, we decided to share a fishbowl margarita. during the course of conversation, we finished the whole thing and ordered another one.  i then ordered my staple. beer. still i helped her finish the margarita.

time flies. my sister had to remind us that she was home alone and hungry.

it was a weird experience really.  miraculously, no major head-on argument.  i think it was a conscious effort on both our sides to keep the conversations light. and stick to the topics we both agree on.

anyway, the question of whether or not i’ll do this again remains pertinent.  who knows?  kinda hard to have certain restrictions though.  *breathe*

oh yeah, baby! BEACH TIME!

driving home from the tournament today, i found myself going towards the sunset.  the sun was a huge orange fireball in the sky.  i thought to myself, what a beauty summer is.

then i started thinking of the things i wanted to do and places i want to go to.  needless to say, i thought about my wardrobe and the stuff in my closet.  nice new summer outfits would be very much welcome.

but then there’s this thought  at the back of my head.  i gotta trim down and tone up.  easy on the carbs, the fat, and the alcohol.

anyway… i still have my vip card in nothing but water.  there are a few teeny bikinis i’d love to add to my collection.  voodoo dolls, roxy, soul, billabong, nothing but water, nike, chocolate, spf, gap and old navy.  There’s also this gorgeous one from linea italia… (whew!)

then there goes tanning lotion. tanning oil, tan amplifier, after sun cooling spray, sunscreen for hair, for face, for lips.  summer bags. flipflops, shades… a wide array  things i know i’ll probably use only once or twice then forget about them again until next year’s summer season.

and i shall not forget. summer work clothes.  i simply can’t and refuse to use clothes to work that would make me feel that i’m in an oven.  gotta get stuff that are ‘breezy’ and professional-looking at the same time.

i’ll try to see if i can post pictures of the stuff i’m so coveting right now.  since i’ve used up my alloted space for friendster pics, check it out in my multiply site at cescapolicarpio.multiply.com.

i like what i read the first thing today. :-)  my horoscope.

and here it is:

The Bottom Line

**************************
not that i so totally believe it. it’s more of, if it says something nice, there’s something to look forward to.  if it says something bad, i can be extra-cautious (if i can even remember!) no harm being careful.  and most of the time, i just shrug it off.

i think i’m staying home tonight.  seriously trying to cut down on the alcohol.  i figured it’s really not doing anything for my figure.

so my sister and i are stuck at home.  the only night i decide to stay in, both my arents are out. talk about timing noh?  anyway, i guess it’s the thought that counts.

9days to the much-hyped hallmark occassion.  what exactly does that spell out for me other than d-a-t-e-l-e-s-s?  well… i’ll be spared all the hustle and bustle of traffic. 
pero it’s nice to receive a gift. semi-wishful thinking lang. (at malamang kasi walang magti-tiyagang magbigay sakin ng regalo noh?)

anyway, notwithstanding, i was never really a person hooked on vday.

so, doesn’t really matter.

no biggie.

ever notice how people abuse your trust and confidence in them?

i hate it when it happens.  people think you’re going to be there forever patient and understanding.  they forget there’s such a thing as "limit" and being "fed up."  perhaps they forget i’m not stupid.  and i’ve really low tolerance for abusive people and stupid people as well.

i don’t think that real friends abuse friends’ confidence and trust in them.  that’s simply not right…

i just do.  the realization hit me a few hours ago. after mass. i don’t know why but i just do.

boys suck.

don’t get me wrong. i’m not going through any boy trouble right now (or in the recent past.)  but seeing the way they act… such a total turn-off!

and when people generalize that girls are fickle? c’mon! boys never know what they want. i think they change their minds even faster than they can think of sex.

there are some boys who seem to know what they want. actually are able to pull it off for quite some time.  and then when you get to spend time with them and know them better, you realize, they have a lot of issues. they know what they want but don’t know how to get there.  they say one thing and act another way. and most of the time…

they want to have their cake and eat it too.

needy and immature.

desperate and selfish.

utterly hopeless.

don’t get me wrong. most of my friends are guys.  i get to pick on their brains. i’ve seen their moves. seen them prowl.  i have basis for my rantings.

in my urgent need to lose weight, i think i need to find myself a boy. best diet known to women.

love ‘em. hate ‘em. leave ‘em.