Twilight Labyrinth

is it even remotely possible that a self-confessed commitment-phobe suddenly finds herself in the middle of nowhere, and utterly alone?

yes. no. maybe.

what causes this untimely, unlikely phenomena called loneliness?  for sure it is not the lack or absence of a significant other.  it cannot be said that it is the loss of friends, most specially if her social calendar is so full that engagements are always overlapping.  it cannot be blamed on the detachment from family because they are a tight bunch anyway.

is it the lack of receiving: chocolates? flowers? ‘i just called because i wanted to hear your voice’ calls? ‘just checking on you’ messages?

is it the lack of giving: chocolates? flowers? ‘i just called because i wanted to hear your voice’ calls? ‘just checking on you’ messages?

nah!

what is it then?

Ihanap nyo nalang ako ng date! para magka-alaman na.

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anyway, i had a pseudo-heart-to-heart talk with a seemingly confused friend.  this happened yesterday.  amidst all her rantings and confusion, there was a point in the conversation that seemed to alarm me (with regard to her current situation.)  It was quite short but it went like this:

friend:    minsan nga iniisip ko, panget ako eh.
me:        nge. hello? bakit naman?
friend:    eh kasi, bakit wala akong boyfriend?
me:          ako, bakit? pangit ba ako?
friend:    hindi.
me:          gusto mo ba pag may nagkagusto sayo, mukha mo lang titingnan?
friend:    shempre hindi.
me:        tanga lang yung mga yun.

anyway, in this short conversation, i got to thinking.  sure i don’t have a very significant significant other.  not for the longest time.  is it cause enough for me to be lonely?  hell no.  it it cause enough for me to lapse into depression? not either.  is it cause enough to get myself in stupid situations? maybe. hahaha! 

then live.

depression is different from loneliness.  and if for some reason you do get into a very sticky web of a situation, live.  enjoy what you had. enjoy the moment. don’t get into any more unnecessary invlovements,   especially if it could jeopardize your relationships with those dear to you.

chin up. walk on. move on.  and, dear, don’t cry. call me.

tsktsk.

friday nights at home.  how many times have i done that this year alone?  it’s fast becoming a habit.  last night i was asleep my 9pm.  woke up around 1, finished my book, and slept a few minutes before 5. almost sunrise.

well, i really dunno if it’s good or bad.  do i really intend to stay this way? or perhaps it’s  merely a part of my ‘fasting and abstinence’ this lenten season.  not a bad idea, really.

anyway, did i mention i had my hair cut?  was so bored the other day and i couldn’t seem to settle in my seat.  had my hair cut. hahaha! i dunno how i seem to manage turning a great style into my normal conservative look. hahaha! talk about comfort zone.  but seriously, i like my new do.  kinda hard to maintain though, considering i don’t own a straightening iron, much more know how to operate one.

anyway, slopwly but surely, i’m trimming down my midsection.  hopefulle when i hit the beach, no more unslightly bulges.  and even if i don’t make it in time… who cares? i’m gonna have my fun in the sun.

anyway, back to my friday nights indoors, could it be because my car is coded? nah! babaw.  well, i don’t really mind it as long a i have a nice book in hand.

last night i finished ‘vittorio’ by anne rice.  it was simply impossible to put the book down.  i’m waiting for the next installment of book exchange with albert.  wish he could find the exciting ones. haha!

my life is an open book.

much so open that oftentimes people take the liberty in writing their own stories on my sacred pages, thus giving birth to intrigues, gossip, and other stuff.  funny how at times i really don’t know what’s going on in a certain chapter, until i’m caught in the web of it, trying to figure out how the chapter came about.

it is but sad that people tend to judge me, given these certain chapters i myself did not write.  i’d have to deal with stuff like losing friends, at the same time, try and figure out who the culprit is.  but then in the end i realize, i don’t grieve for the friends i supposedly lost, i’ve been true to them but that wasn’t enough.  i do not seek revenge on the culprit, (who, more often than not, was a friend once upon a time) because i know that his or her stupidity will catch up sooner or later.  and that will be so sad… (and i will not be a hypocrite and say, "poor soul."  most probably, i’ll be laughing my head off, saying "serves you right."  but knowing me, i’d pity the person.  but laugh nonetheless.)

then i think… i could beat them at their own game.  there have been too many deep dark secrets spilled over alcohol, nicotine and caffeine.  lucky me, i seldom hide skeletons in my closet.  so, basically, what you see is what you get. and what you see isn’t an evil person.  back to my point, if i were really mean and evil and full of vile and filth, i would simply have retaliated by spreading stuff and valuable information that they have oh so trustingly confided in me.  then again, i am not one to stoop that low (tukso, layuan mo ako!)  but i am so tempted!  nevertheless, these things have been entrusted to me and i shall keep it. 

so, it’s nice to finally settle with your own little group of friends you can fully trust, who are secure enough with themselves that they find no need to prove themselves as something they are not.  my little group of a weird mix of happy people. =)  who, when in doubt, asks. and not judge and jump into immediate conclusions.

bonded and sealed by the liempo from hell, san mig light, and of course, badminton.
bonded and sealed by the cebu trips, hongkong trip, grams and ucc conversations.
bonded and sealed by the manong’s nights, westgate nights, molokai nights.

my little happy world of weird people like me.  my little strange book called my life.

i’m just here in front of the pc, reading all the testimonials that friends and family have posted.  i see it as a feel-good exercise, especially during my ‘downtimes.’   it’s nice to know that you’ve touched people’s lives positively in so many different ways. so there.

i know i ought to get my heavy ass off this chair and prep myself up to go to the mall and buy my 300G external hard drive.  my friends are already pressuring me to upload the pics or email them copies of it.  thing is, just this week i realized that i’ve so little space left in my laptop.  hence, i can no longer add stuff like pictures or music.  my 60G ipod video is actualy full already. can no longer use it as an external hard drive. 

isn’t that sad?

anyway,  can i just say that my body is aching. argh!  that’s 2 weeks no badminton. now this!!!  my right soulder feels like it’s gonna fall off anytime.  my whole right arme hurts as well.  my calves and hams hurt from all the ‘pulot ng shuttlecock’ we did in the 5 or 6 hours of badminton we played yesterday.  to top it all off, in my attempt to lose weight or at least decrease the measure of my waistline, i did some crunches and sit ups, as well as several techniques of leg raises.  it did not give me ‘washboard’ abs, but my midsection really, really hurts.

bale wala rin naman. bawi rin sa kain and mamam in pier one.  if i’m not mistaken, we downed one case. hehehe!

anyway, i’ll quit my ramblings for now and try to go to the mall to check on my techie-thingie. =)