Twilight Labyrinth

well… i did not exactly leave anyone. more of, i took a leave of absence coz of my sprain. and i’m actually loving every minute of it.  seems that it’s been such a long time since i’ve spent time with myself. alone with my thoughts.  and i’m actually having a difficult time trying to reconnect with myself.

it’s like, there are so many things i want to be. so many things i want to do. and i don’t even know when where or how to start.  i’m starting to lose focus. i’m probably no longer happy with my job.  but as i’ve said, it pays the bills.

but seriously, i don’t want to be stuck in a job that only pays the bills. so here i am, supposedly on vacation, trying to relax.  but actually trying to figure out a way to work my life.

and though i haven’t got a fool-proof plan… at least the realization that there’s something i gotta do is enough.  then perhaps from then on, i can work something out.

really.

things i wanna do: travel, write, shop, drink, bask in the sun.

but how can i make a living out of that?

oh i know… i can write about my travel, shopping, drinking… and bask in the sun during my travels. now how to do that… any ideas?

i sprained my ankle last night while playing badminton.  and earlier
that night, my right knee sort of twisted. i think i should buy a brace
for my right knee as well.  it’s becoming sympathetic to the left.
tsktsk…

it’s just so sad that this happened.  i am supposed to
watch ZsaZsa Zaturnnah (tama ba spelling ko?) today @ the CCP.
however, i had to give up my ticket last night coz i couldn’t drive
anyway.  it’s so annoying coz i really really really want to watch
that! argh!

what else could go wrong? that my boss wouldn’t allow
me to lake a leave tomorrow? how now? i can hardly walk and drive.  how
does he expect me to go on calls? i hope he allows me. hay naku.

i
am honestly beginning to think there’s a conspiracy happening. seems
like it’s "pick-on-poli" week this week.  (ok. got a text from my boss.
he approved my leave. thank God!) well, some of the "picking" can be
tolerable and quite manageable.  even my friends have been picking on
me. but that’s ok. it’s quite fun sometimes. at times.  thank God di pa
ako napipikon. hehehe…

anyway, i’m craving for a cuban burger
and roast beef belly with garlic rice from Grams. but i can’t leave the
house. (DUH!)  i wonder what food we have here.  i think i’ll be happy
with bistek tagalog and sinangag.

no point making a big deal out of it now.

que malas.

21 Jan 07
3.51 am

i’m not liking what i’m seeing
someone is gonna get hurt
sad to say i already know
she’s trying hard not to let it show

i honestly can’t stand it
sitting here and watching you
you’re on a high while she falls
this isn’t fair at all

i have half the mind to diss you
so much more i want to do
but it ain’t fair and it ain’t right
and it really ain’t a pretty sight

i want to talk to you but i don’t
kick your ass but i won’t
get you on your knees and pray
make you understand: STAY AWAY!

but things are left unspoken
many promises have been broken
a heart is about to break
cherished friendship is at stake

but honestly, you don’t seem to care
thinking i will always be there
there is a truth you just can’t see
i won’t stand for it. not me.

be selfish if you want, i can’t control
i cannot stand to see her fall
not for you, when you can’t be there
it’s just not fair.

please let her go. set her free.
i’m pleading that you listen to me.
drown me out or hear my voice
bottomline: it is your choice.

i really don’t care, have it your way
you can choose not to listen to what i say
you can’t deny it. it is a fact
i have caought you in the act.

i’ve trusted you with all i can
stand up. and be a man.
i’ve seen you act, i know your art.
but i beg you, please don’t break her heart.

been having a thing for burgers lately.  been loving the burger at Mrs. Beans Coffee (located in Aguirre st., BF Homes, Pque City)
well, last night i was out with dear old friends.  we ate at Grams Diner in Rockwell.  i so didn’t know what to get. i needed to watch my weight so i didn’t get anything with rice.  i decided to settle for another burger (my 3rd that day.)  i got the cuban burger. i decided to try it anyway. loving my ice-cold beer while waiting for it. and then it came.

a huge "half-pounder" in all it’s glory.  i take a bite. Oh God!!! I’m so loving it.  I did share some of it with my friends though. 

anyway, just like good old college days. we settled on a very comfortable topic. all too familiar to us.

WHY ARE MEN SO MALABO???

cat started it.  and i so don’t blame her! i don’t know why men have this way of sugar-coating things.  a little nip n’ tuck in a story and they make it seem like they are angels.  and sometimes it seems believable. especially if the guy is nice and a good friend.

but then again… there are guys who make great friends yet sucky partners.  c’mon. think about it. if a guys seems nice, ok naman looks-wise, pwede na and masaya kasama… then why would he be 35 and still single.  there must be something wrong. somewhere.

i could not agree with her more.

sometimes i get the feeling that most men want to have their cake and eat it too. di na nakuntento.

other times, i think they are simply clueless. and selfish. with a single agenda to feed their ego.

understand that this guy we’re talking about in particular is a good friend of mine. i’ve had such high regard for him.  why else would i introduce him to a dear friend, right?  but now i see… well. kinda getting turned off. tsktsk.

i’m trying so hard not to be mad at him.

anyway, i think at one point we all have gone through this phase.  a little less trusting. a little more man hating. (this goes for guys as well… i mean, about girls. or otherwise. still fine by me.)

here’s the deal. my parents keep on asking me why i’m not dating. they ask why i still do not have a boyfriend.  and they are getting alarmed that i’m enjoying being single way too much to care.

perhaps i don’t want to.  most of my guys are friends and i know most of the nasty things they’ve done to their wives, girlfriends, flings, etc. 

and i don’t want that to happen to me.

so i enjoy their company. drink with them and be merry.  ogle at every hot chick that comes our way. be with them.

but not malabo like them.

haaay… spongebob. what the hell did you do to me?  i’m so hooked on you.  though many may think, what the hell is going on. they simply don’t see. and i simply can’t tell… what is it i see in you? 

is it the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh?  the way you’re sometimes corny but everyone finds if funny anyway? or is it that you have the heart of a child?  it simply makes me melt… and i just want to take care of you…

people don’t get it.  they go up to me and ask.  and they wonder what it is i see.  yet they know you’re not into me. and they wonder.  what is it you don’t like? when a lot of others want to be with me (or so they say)

always on my mind. yet i don’t want to fall for you.  simply because you don’t want me to. and i don’t blame you.

maybe i’m not meant for you. what can i do? be your friend. watch you from a distance. wishing only to be where you are.

… of things to do and places to go…

how now? so we’ve probably established that i probably am not satisfies where i am now… so here i am with a checklist of the not-so-impossible stuff that i’ve yet to experience. babaw lang actually.

A - acapulco
B - bantayan island, cebu
C - carribean islands
D - dive in the madives
E - egg hunt (babaw talaga to!)
F - france
G - greece
H - holland
I - ibiza
J - jerusalem
K - kite flying
L - lake… (as in stay sa lakehouse…)
M - maldives
N - nevada (oh yeah! area 51)
O - oceanography
P - parasail
Q - qatar
R - russia (ballet ito)
S - surfing
T - trampoline (as in the giant one)
U - underwater hockey
V - vietnam
W - wake boarding
X - XXX <— meet vin diesel (wala ako maisip sa titik X)
Y - yachting
Z - zoooom… fly a jet plane

haaay… before i die.

… actively once again… and you’re updated on the goings-on of other people in your life… you begin to wonder… what the hell am i doing here? like voltz said… he seriously is starting to think that i live on a beach somewhere. then i realize that i would really rather be living on a beach somewhere. and you get in touch with a long time friend. you find out she’s in the carribean (tama ba spelling ko?) and you get soooo jealous… 

you see, i just found out about these things within the past hour. and wishful, yes, that i were in their shoes. i’d want to do what i do best…

write. dance. 

the writing can be arranged. the dancing… well, i’ve a knee injury that keeps me from executing perfect twists, turns, jumps, etc of ballet…

i want to be able now to write freely… my thoughts, my desires, emotions, opinions… and make money out of it.  this banking thing is draining me. or perhaps this is just a phase.

til when really am i going to be stuck here, looking for clients, trouble shooting, problem solving, lie through my teeth to try to keep existing business, when the problem is way beyond my control? i’d really rather be managing people.

or writing… in a beach somewhere.

acapulco? amanpulo? even boracay sounds good.

but i’m stuck here in the office. i can only dream. i am seriously thinking of my next action plan. definitely i want to grab the opportunity jv has presented to me. write. during my spare time. i am excited and the anticipation of doing this keeps me on the edge of my seat.

sure, i’m not a sucky banker. however, it’s not a question of doing what pays the bills. rather, it’s a question of doing what you really want.

and obviously, what am i doing here?

writing during office hours.

what the hell was i thinking.

STRESS!!!

que malas.

since friday, we’ve been offline. bank-wide. so not funny. clients are threatening to pull out. and how are we supposed to deal with that?  gotta be more aggressive in making calls. now how do we convince our prospects to bank with us if we’ve been offline?

to top it all off, i’ve been assigned a new branch.  this really isn’t a problem. i’ll be handling two branches now. great. however, this new branch is not exactly the ideal one. first off, it’s dirty. i can live with that (and seriously, i gotta get them working to tidy it up.) secondly, i’ve got no parking here. to top it all off, it has no LAN connection. now tell me how exactly am i supposed to correspond with my clients, do my online reports, etc?

ARRRRGH!

now since we’re offline… i’ve got clients complaining, calling, asking me to meet them in various places, mostly in the other branch. now my superior has instructed me to stay here… you get the picture. not pretty now.

anyway, how much worse can it get? another bank kinda fucked up the remittance of my client. now i’m taking all the shit for it.

anyway, on to the lighter side of stress…

what lighter side?

been shelling out cash for car repairs.  i’m still driving around under the unrelenting heat of the sun without air conditioning.  then i get to the office and it’s super cold.  it’s a miracle that i havent’ gotten sick yet. and i pray to God that i don’t.

gotta save up still for that trip to canada in july… benjo’s wedding. cannot miss. (benj, if ur reading this, hint hint.)

MUST. LOSE. WEIGHT. NOW.

well… things i have to be thankful for…

NO LOVE LIFE! thank God! i do not need another thing to worry about right now. (have my hands full with my friends’ pseudo relationship problems)

coffee.

beer.

alcohol.

FRIENDS (special mention: flb circle, badmintonmates, and the alabang group) you guys know who you are.

old friends resurfacing (but seriously, i think this is cause to worry. not for my social calenday but something bigger)

my family. i’ve been trying to spend as much time as i can.

GOD. not being ‘korny’ but isn’t it a relief to know that there’s this superior being who’ll take over when it seems that you can’t take it anymore?

beer. still.

so… after all is said, stressed or not, i think i still have a lot to be grateful for. things aren’t so bad after all…

needless to say, i AM gorgeous everyday. (now that’s what i call, confidence)

Thank God I took the time to prep up a bit last night. and as the title suggests, i was H-H-H-O-T!!! Hahahah!

you see, a few months ago, i went thru a battery of emotions.  caused by a lot of things. losing "friends," dealing with people leaving (getting married, going abroad, etc.) I guess the epitome of all that emotional stress was there were people walking away without the decency of an explanation.  and the clincher? a trusted person following suit. total silence. an utter disappointment for me.

and that was it.

this was when i decided to walk away myself. walk away from all emotion. turn them all off. start anew. and it worked.

you see, it’s not as if i have never crossed paths with these people or this person after what happend. i have. a few times. but these were times wherein i expect to see them.

but not last night.

in a split-second, a gazillion thoughts rushed thru me. oh shit. say hi or not? and who’s the (unfortunate) date?  (hah! i bet i know who that was!)

eye contact.

and we both looked away.

so much for patching things up.

no worries. aside from me being hot(ter), so was my "date."

hands down. no contest.

tsk.

looking back, i know i am both affected and and unaffected. affected. because there are so many questions left unanswered.  there is a part of me that wants to patch things up yet the better part of me could not care any less anymore.  unaffected. because it’s not as if i’m still hung up on whatever the hell happened way back then. we’ve all moved on. it’s better this way.

i’m better off this way.

and even if i was screaming "nobody fucking cares" a few nights ago, i know there are people who do. real friends who care.

hot or not.

i just felt that that would be a nice title. there’s a certain ring to it. just like avril lavigne’s song.

anyway,
it’s a lazy saturday afternoon. wasn’t able to catch my badminton-mates
today. argh! they played so early! 10am. woke up at 11:30. i hope we
resume our regular schedule soon. i really need to tone up. and lose
weight.

tsk tsk.

i guess i’m watching my dad’s band play later tonight. try to relax a bit. i’m kinda tense lately. i wonder why. seriously.

things
have been going on lately.  it’s either i catch up too fast or too
slow. and there’s this weirdness going on. perhaps some astrological
flux.  a literal freak of nature.  sends people into an emotional
rollercoaster. thank God i’m not the only one.

things have been
prety weird at work too. well, that’s something that could be
controlled. ever wondered what exactly it is you’re doing?  like… if
i were not a banker, in an alter-universe, what do you see yourself
doing?

here’s someting weird. last night, i attended this debut.
a friend of mine just turned 18. old friends were all there so were
their parents.  you see, they haven’t heard of me since i resigned from
the Philippine Ballet Theater last july 2005.  former classmates,
friends and their parents all asked me on thing. "may asawa ka na ba?"
WHAAAAAAAAAT?! hello!? wala nga akong boyfriend noh?! at kelan nga ba
talaga nila akong nakitang may boyfriend. WALA! so… i simply told
them the truth.  no time for that kind of thing.  then they say i
should marry coz i’m already of marrying age. at a very young age of
25? YEAH RIGHT!  never mind i have my whole life in front of me. no,
thank you. i still want to live. tsk. tsk.  were they CRAZY??? hay
naku!

anyway, enough of that.

imma go eat my lunch.