Twilight Labyrinth

Oh, yeah!  I am so pluggin this in.

I’ve never been to Vegas. Needless to say, I’ve never seen a Vegas show LIVE.  But I do watch a lot of movies, read a lot of books, and have a lot of friends and family tell me about how much of a sight it is to behold.  So that’s settled.
I went along my friends’ plans lastnight for dinner and poker and then Club Mwah afterwards.  The way it was described to me though was that it was a comedy bar.  (Well, kaladkarin ako, at game sa mga kakaibang trip, so game ako.)  I didn’t know that Gweta’s whole family was coming with us.  And I think I should’ve seen my face when I found out that it was her mom who arranged this whole thing. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, you know.  It’s just that… knowing her mom, I just didn’t know what to expect.  Then again, it can’t be a bad thing.
So we got there.  The intriguing Club Mwah.  (With much discussion regarding who brings a car, etc.)  We had to bring one coz we didn’t know what time it’ll end and we (my sister and I) both have curfews.  (That’s right, folks.  I still am curfew girl.  Annoying, but what the hell can I do?)  Poor Jom.  Curfew by default. 
So anyway, back to Club Mwah.  I was getting antsy in my seat.  I couldn’t wait for the show to start.  Needless to say, I couldn’t prolong my drink and since uncle and auntie (&friends) (I am assuming they’re from the Bible study group) were there, I couldn’t drink all I want.  (Hahahaha!) Poor me.  Trying to make my Jack Daniels last the night and the show hasn’t even begun yet.  And I’m getting a little impatient.  It’s a good thing that Cat and Tracy both brought their cameras and I am so not camera-shy.  We entertained ourselves for a bit.
And so the show begins…
Think glamour…
Think glitters…
Think feathers(?)
Well, think Moulin Rouge and Chicago.  They did excerpts from Phantom, Miss Saigon, Chicago, etc.  I was smiling and laughing the whole time (my cheeks hurt.)  I truly enjoyed it.  My parents will enjoy it.  I told my sister that we should bring them there and she agreed.  I bet my cousins will enjoy it so we gotta take them there also.  My officmates will enjoy it and i think they will welcome the change in gimmick. 
So here I am, shamelessly plugging it to whoever dares to read my blogs. I am enouraging you to support the genius of a production so grand and marvelous, you’d be proud to be Pinoy. 
Oh, and it’s so hard to tell the which one’s the girl and otherwise.
Just watch it.  You’ll be glad you did, PROMISE!

Club MWAH! is located at the 3rd floor of The Venue Tower, 652 Boni Ave., Mandaluyong City.  You can also visit their website at www.clubmwah.com.

Leave The Pieces
by The Wreckers

            You’re not sure that you love me
            But you’re not sure enough to let me go.
            Baby it aint fair ya know
            to just keep me hangin’ round,
            you say you don’t wanna hurt me,
            you don’t wanna see my tears.
            So why are you still standin here
            just watchin’ me drown?
            
            And it’s all right yeah I’ll be fine don’t worry bout’ this heart of mine.
            Just take your love and hit the road,
            There’s nothing you can
do or say you’re gonna break my heart anyway.
            So just leave the pieces when you go.
            
            Now you can drag out the heartache
            baby you could make it quick,
            really get it over with
            and just let me move on.
            
            Don’t concern yourself
            with this mess you left for me,
            I can clean it up you see
            just as long as you’re gone.
            
 And it’s all right yeah I’ll be fine don’t worry bout’ this heart of mine.
            Just take your love and hit the road,
            There’s nothing you can
do or say you’re gonna break my heart anyway.
            So just leave the pieces when you go

            
            You not makin’ up your mind
            is killin’ me and wasting time.
            I need so much more than that.
            yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
            
 And it’s all right yeah I’ll be fine don’t worry bout’ this heart of mine.
            Just take your love and hit the road,
            There’s nothing you can
do or say you’re gonna break my heart anyway.
            So just leave the pieces when you go.

SOMEWHERE DOWN THE ROADBarry Manilow (T. Snow/C. Weil) 

We had the right love at the wrong time Guess I always knew inside I wouldn't have you for a long time Those dreams of yours Are shining on distant shores And if they're calling you away I have no right to make you stay 

But somewhere down the road Our roads are gonna cross again It doesn't really matter when But somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see That you belong with me 

Sometimes "goodbyes" are not forever It doesn't matter if you're gone I still believe in us together I understand more than you think I can You have to go out on your own So you can find your way back home 

And somewhere down the road Our roads are gonna cross again It doesn't really matter where But somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see That you belong with me 

Letting go Is just another way to say I'll always love you so 

We had the right love at the wrong time Maybe we've only just begun Maybe the best is yet to come 

'Cause somewhere down the road Our roads are gonna cross again It doesn't really matter when But somewhere down the road I know that heart of yours will come to see That you belong with me 

by Vonda Shepard

I like the way you wanted me, every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me, everytime when things got rocky
I was believing in you, was I mistaken?
Do you say, do you say what you mean?
I want our love to last forever

I’d rather you be mean than love and lie
I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I’d rathr take a blow, at least then I would know
But baby don’t you break my heart slow

I like the way you’d hold me, every night for so long baby
I like the way you’d say my name in the middle of the night while you were sleeping
I was believing in you, was I mistaken?
Dou you mean, do you mean what you say?
When you said our love could last forever

I’d rather you be mean than love and lie
I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I’d rathr take a blow, at least then I would know
But baby don’t you break my heart slow

You run around and lead me on forever
While I wait at home still thinking we’re together
I wanted our love to last forever…

I was believing in you…

I’d rather you be mean than love and lie
I’d rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I’d rathr take a blow, at least then I would know
But baby don’t you break my heart slow.

Baby, don’t you break my heart slow…

just got back from cebu yesterday and straight to work work work!
it was a much needed and much deserved break. short but fun.
i was working on something for a client and WHAM!!! some other client’s kid walks into my office and decides that deleting the file would be fun. i so wanted to kill him!!!
but i can’t.
today is a holiday. i’m home lying around, wishing i could be someplace where i could just relax. but no, i’m here trying to reconstruct the file the kid deleted.
so i take a coffee break and go out to my balcony for a breather.

lately i’ve been so swamped with work to even notice that the air has changed.  the winds are much cooler now. colder. much like how i’ve been feeling these past few weeks.  a friend called earlier asking me out for drinks. breakup. so later tonight i’ll be out.
while sipping my coffee, reveling in the ambiance set up so appropriately for me today, reality just came crashing back. 

you know how the saying goes. if you love someone, set that person free.
it’s so much easier now. 

there’s really nothing one can do.  it’s stupid to hold on to something, or someone for that matter, if that something is not meant for you.  you can’t ask a friend not to get married coz your life is till fucking messed up. you can’t ask someone not to go work miles away from you because you’re still messed up. you can’t ask someone not to migrate because you’re still messed up.

butterflies are made to fly that’s why they fly away.  no matter how beautiful something is, no matter how much you want to hold on to it forever.  you can’t . and you should not. it pains you. and it kills you. but it’s just the way it is.

just think that someday, when you’re no longer messed up, you’ll be that butterfly, that something beautiful, and you’ll have to fly away.

An excerpt from A Warm Cup…

Read on. Dama ko.

"I nod.  Looking at the way you hesitated to take my hand, resting so near yours, I know you’re already gone.  I will make it easy for the both of us, I tell myself.  I will forget the feel of your hands on my skin.  I will smile and tell you that I am happy for you because that’s what you want to hear and that’s what I want to beieve.  I will not hope you will be back soon nor say that I wish I was going with you.  Instead, I will keep in mind that there is nothing between us anymore.  It’s just that the coffee is too warm and i am so cold."

nope. no bad luck.
should’ve written this last night. but was too tired. so i’m writing it today. before my badminton game.

Friday the 13th.  Yesterday was such a great day to say goodbye.
in fact, i did not find it difficult at all.  i guess that’s what happens when you find out who your real friends are.  you just don’t give a crap to the crappy ones anymore.  don’t get me wrong. this is a hit or miss thing. i’m praying i’ve chosen the right bunch here.  in the end, if they find me in recluse, the real one will surface and the crappy ones will not even care at all.

i realized that since people are going away anyway, saying goodbye, leaving the country, marrying, leaving me, basically, saying goodbye shouldn’t be such a bad thing. gotta learn to stand on my own. shouldn’t be too trusting, gullible and nice. yes. i am resolving to be a TOTAL BITCH to those who deserve it. no more rolling with the punches. no more smiling and taking it all in. no more forgiving and forgetting. no more little miss nice and friendly me. 

you have a problem with that? have the balls to tell it to my face.

don’t get me wrong. i will not be like that to my friends. just to those crappy so-called ones. time to put on the attitude.  in this world, i realize, those who are nice just get washed away with the tide. being flung endlessly with the undertow.

things are gonna change. i will change.  i may hate myself for it. but there’s no other way.

*snap*

years back, when i was still studying, nobody dared mess with me.  wy friends were my friends and there was no question of loyalty among us (guys, you all know who you are. brus crus pares dudes sweeties ates kuyas and basically nga, you guys know who you are.)  whatever it is that happened to me when i moved south tamed me down, calmed me down.  so there’s only this happy, laid-back me who people see. and apparently took advantage of.

not funny.

you pay.

so friday the 13th was a good day to say goodbye.
goodbye to the old me.

you’ll hate me for this. i know.

even my posts. my thoughts. everything’s just pretty fucking messed up.

"hi poli, ok ka na?"
"hey, ces, relax ka lang jan"
"take it easy, buddy"

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!

yun lang.

wish it were so much easier. like, not catch yourself staring into space.

beneath this calm i seem to exude, there is a storm of emotions raging within. (oh, yes! move over, milenyo.)  one that does not seem to cease the whipping and lashing of violent winds. my listless eyes betray my restless soul.  peace has not been a part of my tiny, wrecked world for weeks on end now.  need i say that the sandman’s been missing his nights?

how do you reach into an abyss, grope in darkness, try in vain to find that one thing that could give you peace? do you even know what it is? 

sometimes i find myself imagining… freefalling… like, arms outstretched, i just let myself fall… doesn’t matter where… i imagine a high place. a really high place. i just… fall. feel the wind roar in my ears, through my hair. a never ending fall. until every single ounce of emotion is taken from me. yes. that kind of free fall. where not even fear of crashing can take me away from the sensation of the cold wind emracing me, flinging me around.  as i type this i am imagining that free fall i’ve so longed for.

intoxication.

probably the closest thing i can get to freefalling.

*gasps for air*

no, i am not intoxicated. i wish i were.  then i wouldn’t have to be writing this.

i don’t think i shed a tear today. i’m hoping i won’t tomorrow.  such a cliche to say… but i wish i could master the art of letting go.  i need to keep my ground and pretend i’m not breaking down. i need to keep holding on and pretend that the person i’m holding onto is still there. i just need to keep on pretending.  then, probably, after all this has blown over, i can stop pretending, pick up after myself and walk on.

but til then, i am a far cry from OK-ness.

hi! so i’m back!

ever wonder how sometimes with think we hit the jackpot only to realize we missed it by a million miles? well, that seems to be happening pretty often lately. has my judgement been clouded? (does it even matter?)

This week has been a real emotional roller coaster for me. it hasn’t been helping anxiety disorder (or whatever one wants to call it)

do u know how it feels when…
    1. one day you decide to meet  someone from your past? (as in 8 years ago past) and you don’t know how things would go coz there were a lot of things left unspoken… do you the feeling of being so friggin’ rattled that you just literally drop everything and cancel all appointments because this might actullay be the only chance for you to get to see that person once again?  so rattled that you almost vomitted on your way to see that person? ‘butterflies in the tummy’ does not quite capture the chaos in my guts.  and when you finally see that person, you’re in a struggle to remain composed and feign control when deep inside you just want to reach out and hold that person close and not let go…
    2. you feel that your world is crumbling down and there’s nothing you can do but to sit back and watch it unfold…
    3. the person you want to let go of, yung taong iniiwasan mo, is actually the person who goes out of her way to try and cheer you up, make you feel better… while on the other hand, the person you’re counting on, holding onto, seems to be drifting, fading away into oblivion… all you can do is shake your head in disbelief… try to keep your dignity… try and appreciate the person who’s there for you while you try to reach out for the other…
    4. everyone around you thinks that life is peaches and cream for you… and all of a sudden you break down in front of them… seems quite inappropriate but you still do… and you can’t quite explain to them why…
    5. you know your world is gonna crumble soon and you know very well that the people you’re counting on when that time comes are no longer going to be there…
   
it sucks. BIG TIME. but you know what sucks the most? NOBODY F*CKIN CARES!