Twilight Labyrinth

i’m here in sanfo. in my uncle’s office, actually.  i went around the mall today.  it’s only 230 and already, i’m super tired. 

ay sus! maloloka ako sa shoes dito.  but imagine this.  me, ready to shop and burn cash.  shoes, shoes shoes galore!!!  i say, nine west, steve madden, anne klein, kenneth cole, kenneth cole reaction, jessica simpson, naturalizer, mudd… and that’s only to name a few.  and then… they don’t have anything, ANYTHING AT ALL, in my size.  BUMMER!!! as in gusto ko magwala at umiyak.

leche!  my small feet are being discriminated.

pumunta nalang ako sa pharmacy at bumili ng band-aid na carebears.  hmph!

this thing from the past is unrelenting.
there’s this ever-question of how to kill the (un)dead.  and surprisingly enough, mythology has this uncanny way of ringing true in ‘real’ life.

allow me to illustrate my point.

HOW TO KILL THE (UN)DEAD

1. Drive a stake through it’s heart.
Well, for the more modern, less morbid, yet as excruciating of this process, we can simply say, FEEL THE PAIN.  Live in it. Bask in it.  Don’t fucking run away from it simply because you’re just delaying inevitable agony.
When you feel the pain in your chest, like someone’s stabbed you in the heart, really feel it. the degree of pain really varies for different people.  There are times that you’ll feel the air knocked off your system, or a pain so excruciating that you begin to wonder how it is possible that you are still alive and feeling it, often times, it’s a pain that make you want to tear through your chest to grab a hold of your heart and just squeeze it.  My advice is: DO IT.  No, don’t scalpel it, just pound on it like crazy with your fist.  I bet you’ll have a very ugly bruise after.  But then again, no war is won without a battle scar.

2. Cut off its head.
This can be a little tricky.  How do you consciously not think about someone (or something) without actually thinking about him/her.  Well, think of this, if you don’t think about someone, that someone ceases to exist in your universe.  Which is great.  Coz moving on will be so much easier that way.  Trust me.

3. Expose it to sunlight.
The truth shall set you free. So whatever it was that was the ultimate cause of the the pain, (ie. break-up, wanting somebody back, etc.) simply deal with it. Face it.  There’s no better way to take down the enemy than by looking them straight in the eye.  Face the truth. Live with it. Get on with it. Move on. Get over it.

anyway, streak of brilliance over.  let me now start on with eating that huge bag of potato chips for breakfast.

last few words… i’m going to bora tomorrow. ciao!

que malas!

driving along SLEX past midnight, i’m less than a kilometer away from my exit when suddenly i realized that my car won’t shift gears, naturally i tried to see what was wrong, only to find out that my car won’t start. the engine went dead.

kaplunk.

just like that. good thing i had the presence of mind to maneuver it to the side of the hiway. wary of the speeding cars and the possibility of an accident, i tried for several minutes to start it. nada. i had to get out and pop the hood to see what was wrong.

anyway, i had to have it towed to caltex. tsktsk. from there, i had to ask my driver to tow the car all the way home. in the series of unfortunate events, the rope used to tow my car broke. it was almost 3am at that time.

when i got home, everyone was asleep and when i kessed my dad, he was kinda grumpy about me coming home way past curfew. hello?! as if i wanted THAT to happen. i was too exhausted to even care. after hitting the shower and fixing my bed, i was lying awake past 4. too bothered to even get a wink. ugh!

no wonder people despise friday the 13th.

obviously, not mine.

tonichi’s getting married tomorrow!!! and seriously, i’m super excited.
got home from the parlor today. had my nails done, hot oil and massage. the works. i even had my eyebrows done. hahah!  considering i haven’t really pampered myself lately… hmmm. this is a major feat.

i’m proud to say, i bought my first pair of janilyn shoes. so un-me.  but i’ve been eyeing this pair of gorgeous red shoes… needless to say, i’m wearing them tomorrow.  the wedding’s the perfect excuse for that purchase. HAH!  then i got comments from my mom and sister about my fantabulous pair of nine west shoes.  they’re also red.  actually nicer than the ones i just bought… hmmm… worn them once or twice.  but hey, i think this one suits my dress better.

and my dress… hmmm. dare to be me. that’s all i can say.

but what can i do? look my best, right? i mean, tonichi’s a great friend (and an almost ex.) hahaha! plus there will be long-time friends who are just as baffled as me.  oh, no. don’t ask. i’d have to use a whole whiteboard to illustrate the complexities and complications of the whole damn picture.

given my perpetual singlehood-ness and the presence of other parties…

long story. but as i said, i should look my best.

anyway, it’s gonna be a really great celebration, a sort of reunion with highschool people. and i’m so looking forward to it.

nope. no date for me. i don’t think i’m allowed to bring one. and even if i was, there’s nobody to bring anyway.   i think it’s more fun going to these occasions alone. no pressure and nobody to ‘take care of.’

anyway, that’s it for now. gotta hit the mall to go buy  the couple’s wedding present.

and i know just what to get them. *wink*

there’s a little less ‘me’ in my life right now.

a little more ‘others.’

it’s not as bad as it sound but then again i know that i have to find a way to take care of myself and my needs. i’m pretty damn sure i’m kinda lost.

there are a few itty-bitty things i’d like to do but it seems that i can’t find people to do it with. travel.  a simple trip to boracay is much appreciated.  though i’ve got conflicting reactions from friends.  wish my parents could trust me enough to travel alone.

seems like i did a little bit of ’sacrifice’ this holy week.  didn’t go to the beach. didn’t hang out with friends.  it’s nice for a change that i spent my time with my family. it’s sad though that my mom’s leaving for boracay tomorrow and my sister is leaving for the same gorgeous beach the week after.  and the irony of it all, they don’t like to get a tan or sun-burnt.  but i do.

i love the beach. i’d love to get a tan.  there are some invites i had to decline because i know that my parents won’t permit me to go.  simply because i’d be going with people from the opposite sex and they don’t know those people quite well yet.  yeah. sucks to be me.

i bought this really gorgeous swimsuit at the mall today.  wish i could use it, lest it be a damn good waste of money.

i have a pretty filled up social calendar full of people dear to me yet strangers to my family.  the friends i have who my family trusts are either miles away, married, or cannot be contacted. tsk. people move on. 

so should they, i assume.

but the thing harder than raising a child, is raising your parents.

is it even remotely possible that a self-confessed commitment-phobe suddenly finds herself in the middle of nowhere, and utterly alone?

yes. no. maybe.

what causes this untimely, unlikely phenomena called loneliness?  for sure it is not the lack or absence of a significant other.  it cannot be said that it is the loss of friends, most specially if her social calendar is so full that engagements are always overlapping.  it cannot be blamed on the detachment from family because they are a tight bunch anyway.

is it the lack of receiving: chocolates? flowers? ‘i just called because i wanted to hear your voice’ calls? ‘just checking on you’ messages?

is it the lack of giving: chocolates? flowers? ‘i just called because i wanted to hear your voice’ calls? ‘just checking on you’ messages?

nah!

what is it then?

Ihanap nyo nalang ako ng date! para magka-alaman na.

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anyway, i had a pseudo-heart-to-heart talk with a seemingly confused friend.  this happened yesterday.  amidst all her rantings and confusion, there was a point in the conversation that seemed to alarm me (with regard to her current situation.)  It was quite short but it went like this:

friend:    minsan nga iniisip ko, panget ako eh.
me:        nge. hello? bakit naman?
friend:    eh kasi, bakit wala akong boyfriend?
me:          ako, bakit? pangit ba ako?
friend:    hindi.
me:          gusto mo ba pag may nagkagusto sayo, mukha mo lang titingnan?
friend:    shempre hindi.
me:        tanga lang yung mga yun.

anyway, in this short conversation, i got to thinking.  sure i don’t have a very significant significant other.  not for the longest time.  is it cause enough for me to be lonely?  hell no.  it it cause enough for me to lapse into depression? not either.  is it cause enough to get myself in stupid situations? maybe. hahaha! 

then live.

depression is different from loneliness.  and if for some reason you do get into a very sticky web of a situation, live.  enjoy what you had. enjoy the moment. don’t get into any more unnecessary invlovements,   especially if it could jeopardize your relationships with those dear to you.

chin up. walk on. move on.  and, dear, don’t cry. call me.

tsktsk.

friday nights at home.  how many times have i done that this year alone?  it’s fast becoming a habit.  last night i was asleep my 9pm.  woke up around 1, finished my book, and slept a few minutes before 5. almost sunrise.

well, i really dunno if it’s good or bad.  do i really intend to stay this way? or perhaps it’s  merely a part of my ‘fasting and abstinence’ this lenten season.  not a bad idea, really.

anyway, did i mention i had my hair cut?  was so bored the other day and i couldn’t seem to settle in my seat.  had my hair cut. hahaha! i dunno how i seem to manage turning a great style into my normal conservative look. hahaha! talk about comfort zone.  but seriously, i like my new do.  kinda hard to maintain though, considering i don’t own a straightening iron, much more know how to operate one.

anyway, slopwly but surely, i’m trimming down my midsection.  hopefulle when i hit the beach, no more unslightly bulges.  and even if i don’t make it in time… who cares? i’m gonna have my fun in the sun.

anyway, back to my friday nights indoors, could it be because my car is coded? nah! babaw.  well, i don’t really mind it as long a i have a nice book in hand.

last night i finished ‘vittorio’ by anne rice.  it was simply impossible to put the book down.  i’m waiting for the next installment of book exchange with albert.  wish he could find the exciting ones. haha!

my life is an open book.

much so open that oftentimes people take the liberty in writing their own stories on my sacred pages, thus giving birth to intrigues, gossip, and other stuff.  funny how at times i really don’t know what’s going on in a certain chapter, until i’m caught in the web of it, trying to figure out how the chapter came about.

it is but sad that people tend to judge me, given these certain chapters i myself did not write.  i’d have to deal with stuff like losing friends, at the same time, try and figure out who the culprit is.  but then in the end i realize, i don’t grieve for the friends i supposedly lost, i’ve been true to them but that wasn’t enough.  i do not seek revenge on the culprit, (who, more often than not, was a friend once upon a time) because i know that his or her stupidity will catch up sooner or later.  and that will be so sad… (and i will not be a hypocrite and say, "poor soul."  most probably, i’ll be laughing my head off, saying "serves you right."  but knowing me, i’d pity the person.  but laugh nonetheless.)

then i think… i could beat them at their own game.  there have been too many deep dark secrets spilled over alcohol, nicotine and caffeine.  lucky me, i seldom hide skeletons in my closet.  so, basically, what you see is what you get. and what you see isn’t an evil person.  back to my point, if i were really mean and evil and full of vile and filth, i would simply have retaliated by spreading stuff and valuable information that they have oh so trustingly confided in me.  then again, i am not one to stoop that low (tukso, layuan mo ako!)  but i am so tempted!  nevertheless, these things have been entrusted to me and i shall keep it. 

so, it’s nice to finally settle with your own little group of friends you can fully trust, who are secure enough with themselves that they find no need to prove themselves as something they are not.  my little group of a weird mix of happy people. =)  who, when in doubt, asks. and not judge and jump into immediate conclusions.

bonded and sealed by the liempo from hell, san mig light, and of course, badminton.
bonded and sealed by the cebu trips, hongkong trip, grams and ucc conversations.
bonded and sealed by the manong’s nights, westgate nights, molokai nights.

my little happy world of weird people like me.  my little strange book called my life.

i’m just here in front of the pc, reading all the testimonials that friends and family have posted.  i see it as a feel-good exercise, especially during my ‘downtimes.’   it’s nice to know that you’ve touched people’s lives positively in so many different ways. so there.

i know i ought to get my heavy ass off this chair and prep myself up to go to the mall and buy my 300G external hard drive.  my friends are already pressuring me to upload the pics or email them copies of it.  thing is, just this week i realized that i’ve so little space left in my laptop.  hence, i can no longer add stuff like pictures or music.  my 60G ipod video is actualy full already. can no longer use it as an external hard drive. 

isn’t that sad?

anyway,  can i just say that my body is aching. argh!  that’s 2 weeks no badminton. now this!!!  my right soulder feels like it’s gonna fall off anytime.  my whole right arme hurts as well.  my calves and hams hurt from all the ‘pulot ng shuttlecock’ we did in the 5 or 6 hours of badminton we played yesterday.  to top it all off, in my attempt to lose weight or at least decrease the measure of my waistline, i did some crunches and sit ups, as well as several techniques of leg raises.  it did not give me ‘washboard’ abs, but my midsection really, really hurts.

bale wala rin naman. bawi rin sa kain and mamam in pier one.  if i’m not mistaken, we downed one case. hehehe!

anyway, i’ll quit my ramblings for now and try to go to the mall to check on my techie-thingie. =)

i’m not evil. just misunderstood.

lotsa things happened this week. super tiring.  i’m so drained.  guess what? it’s a friday night and i’m home. ME. HOME. and it’s so nice to be home.  as i said, i’m tired.

well,  monday, i was able to catch up on jom. finally showed himself to me.  super glad he’s ok.

tuesday, went out with ron myron and cat. really wasn’t in the mood to go out so i was kinda quiet.

ash wednesday, i got my car fixed! yipeee! after 2 years, finally may aircon na sya! woohoo!!! then badminton that night at polo. well, let’s just say we had pretty interesting games.

thursday was region meeting. grilling and sermon from the boss. bits of praises here and there.  after that, the region went out with a former coleague.  there were some interesting revelations that night. haha!

friday. today. pretty surprising that after all the invitations to go out, i decided to stay home. super drained. happy though that i was able to meet with some counterparts in order to discuss something… looking forward to next work week.

shocking.

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anyway, people are so used to me being light and bubbly and hyper.  reality check. hey guys, i’ve got problems too.  my apologies for not being such great company lately.  got a lot in mind.
funny how when i’m quiet, some people take it personally, hence, jump into the wrong conclusions.  sad to know that but then again, funny in a way. tsktsk.  hope everything’s settled now with regard to that.

**********
spoke with my boss a while ago.  seems that i need to hit budget by march or april so i can leave for the US and Canada.  ARGH!!! i honestly hope that alone is enough motivation for me. (mental note: gotta get started on that canadian visa thing)

**********
anyway, i guess that sums it up for now. 

ps: got a very surprising text from someone i only know through somebody else’s blog.  interesting.  tila hindi napipigilang natural na makulay ang buhay ko. hahaha!